Down
by Dylan Shaw
Summary: Scully's thoughts after The End. She's just trying to sort out her feelings.


TITLE: Down

AUTHOR: Stephanie

E-MAIL: Please!

RATING: PG

KEYWORDS: MSR, angst

SPOILERS: The End

DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris

Carter and 1013 productions, not me! The song "Down" is by Blink 182, no infringement intended.

SUMMARY: Scully's thoughts after The End. She's just trying to sort out her

feelings.

"The drops of rain they fall all over

This awkward silence makes me crazy

The glow inside burns light upon her

I'll try to kiss you if you let me

this can't be the end

Tidal waves they rip right through me

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad

Pick me up now, I need you so bad

Down down down down

It gets me so

Down down down down

It gets me so

Your vows of silence fall all over

The look in your eyes makes me crazy

I feel the darkness break upon her

I'll take you over if you let me

You did this"

-Down

by Blink 182

I don't know what to think. There are so many thoughts in my head, so much

to think about.

Fowley.

Mulder.

The office.

Gibson.

The fire has seemed to change everything, give a new perspective to

everything. At least for me it has. There was no electric in use down there

at the time. But who would commit arson? Why here? Why now? Why at all?

In the FBI, you get to have a lot of enemies over time. But usually things

aren't extremely serious, especially if you haven't had a particular

altercation recently.

I don't think Spender would stoop to doing this.

When I saw the office, everything charred and burnt and black with soot,

dripping wet from the fire hoses... I got such an amazing rush, of all the

memories, all of the laughs between Mulder and I, all of the uncomfortable

silences, the sadness shared here... Everything. I remember the moment I

first laid eyes on him, there in the office. I thought of the last moment

I'd ever spent there, and how I took it for granted.

There are some things that you never realize the sentimental value of. When

I thought of the office, I thought of Mulder. Frequently, when I thought of

Mulder, I thought of the office. They were almost equally important to me.

I just feel so alone. I know Mulder is going through the same thing I am,

only worse, so I shouldn't be complaining. But why am I alone in my

apartment right now? Why not with Mulder? But I know he has a lot to think

about right now, even more than I do, and he probably dosen't want me there.

When I leaned against him in the burned office, he felt so stiff, stale. It

was as if he was dead. He just stood there, staring endlessly at the charred

remains of his life. His life was in that basement. Everything he believes

in was in there. And he just stood there, unable to comprehend it. And I

just stood there, leaning against him. Because I think he will always

support me.

All of this must be so hard for him. His sudden infactuation with damned

Fowley, and her being in intensive care. Then this.

I don't understand the two of them. They are obviously very in love with

each other. Why, though?

When Gibson said that Mulder was thinking of one of us, I was shocked. I'm

so sure it was Fowley, though. I was thinking of Mulder, however. I always

am.

What Gibson said about Fowley and I is really mind-boggling. We are both

possesive of Mulder, both curious about each other (appartently), and

nervous about what the other thinks.

I try not to care what people think. I usually don't. I mind what I say

around certian people, of course. Fowley. My mother, sometimes. Skinner.

Sometimes (but rarely) Mulder. That's about it. I don't know why I keep some

things from Mulder. Our friendship is so strong, I should be able to

sayanything to him. But sometimes I feel self-conscious and shy. More, since

we've been working with Fowley. I think I may be a bit jealous of her. Only

a little, but I am. Sure, Mulder's had one-night stands and short-lived

romances, but with her, it could be serious. It was about the friendship,

too. It is about the friendship.

I don't think the two of them would make a good match, anyway. They're so

different. And she's so resentful of me.

Plus, she calls him Fox. That either means that she dosen't know him well,

or she dosen't respect his wishes. Either way, it points away from a

relationship between them.

Gibson has so much power. I don't think he even knows it. Not superficial

power, but power to change the world. He could stop people who spend so much

time worrying about what other people think.

He could make us all honest, make us say what we think. It could really

change the world.

If he hadn't told me about how so many of Fowley's thoughts are the same as

mine, my entire outlook on the situation with me and her and Mulder would be

different. I think I'd be more nervous about her and her relationship with

Mulder. Gibson showed me that she really is human.

When I went to see the Lone Gunmen, I became very extra-emotional. I was

embarassed, upset, and disappointed. I wonder what they must have thought of

me. Not that I care, but they must have thought something major was up.

When I walked past Mulder and Fowley holding hands... I was just so

devastated. I felt rejected, replaced. Not only in a precariously romantic

way, but as his friend, aly, partner. I felt like everything was falling

apart. Hell, I wish I'd known how it'd be now. It's ten times worse. At

least then, Mulder was happy. But when I called him from the car, I was so

near tears. I couldn't (can't) stand her. I felt like she'd deliberately

stolen Mulder from me.

Even when we were all talking to Skinner, I was very emotional. I was afraid

I'd break down and cry right there. But I held it in. I always do.

Honestly, though, I can't really talk badly of Fowley. She's barely alive.

But... Yes, she and Mulder were flirting all the time. But who was with him

in the end, head on his shoulder? I truly believe that he and I were meant

to be together, regaurdless of the form of relationship. If he and Fowley

were meant to be together, they would have been all those years, instead of

Mulder and I.

I wonder what Mulder's doing right now. I hope he's okay. He might be

visiting Fowley. Or doing the same thing he does every night. Or maybe he's

sitting at home, lonely, just thinking. Like me.

There really is so much to think about, so much to absorb. His sister's file

was in that office. And there were so many other personal things in there.

His life really was in that office. He was really himself in there. It was

his territory, his home.

Yes, it will probably be redone, and we'll be back there soon. But it won't

be the same. The furniture will be the same, pretty much, but all of the

important things will be gone. And I'm sure something else will be

different, too. The shade of gray on the walls, the height of the desk. It

will never be completely the same. Then, what really is always the same.

This is truly a time of change, a time of differences, a time of endings.

And there will be new beginnings. But it's the endings that hurt the most.

The End


End file.
